Thursday, April 6, 2017

I lost my son to suicide

I am not sure where the last 12 months went but the pain feels like it was only yesterday that Michael committed suicide. I love you Michael and miss you so very much.
Michael's death has changed me in the most profound ways. It literally demolished me, forcing me to figure out who I am without him in my life. I am learning how to find joy in the depth of darkness. There are days of darkness that consume me and take my breath away. If I can outlive my child, my strength will have no limits. Finding that strength to move forward is hard. Every day since his death is another day that I’ve survived.
I learned that so many things are out of my control. His death has taught me it is possible to live with only half a heart as part of my heart remains with Michael. I am learning that laughter is meant to be heard and tears are meant to fall. I have learned that nothing can change the pain of losing a child. Until April 4, 2016, I didn't know what pain was.
I have learned who my true friends are. They are the ones who have stood by me and supported me. They have endured the emotional roller coaster ride with me and kept me from falling off. I am truly blessed to have the strongest friends anyone could ever wish for. Thank you; each of you. <3 span="">
Many people have entered my life in the last year. We have shared our pain, our sorrow and talked about our loved ones. I thank each of you for the part you have played in my survival. The insight I received from those who survived suicide attempts has been a blessing. It helps put into perspective just how easy it is for anyone to reach that point. The careless words of others can be a breaking point for many. Life has taught me that the strongest people are often the ones most apt to make sudden life decisions. My son was strong.
There are times that living in the past or thinking of the future smothers me. I survive by taking each minute at time even when those minutes are difficult. Those minutes turn into hours and eventually another day I learned to live without him with me. I have learned how to smile through pain, and that tomorrow really is a new day. I have learned the true meaning of "the smile that hides the pain". It is far different than it used to be.
His death has taught me the value of life and love. Life is short and can be very difficult but it is worth living. Last but not least, I learned to hold onto the many happy memories we shared. We had a lot. <3 span="">
Michael Cunningham
9-3-80 to 4-4-16
Always in our hearts <3 span="">
For whoever needs help right now, you can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (talk)

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